Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 05, 2023


 So here’s how I see my future; I’ve accomplished the first step. I’ve sold my soul to Google. In exchange, I received a gmail account, a spot on Orkut, a Blog on Blogger and unlimited access to Google/Froogle/Google images, groups and news. 

I have heard that others have received these same benefits without bartering their soul, but I cannot confirm these rumors, and besides, I wasn’t using it anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal.

In the next few years, after Google buys up Microsoft and Intel, and owns a controlling amount of stock of the internet, they’ll want their piece of the real world. Real estate, literally. So somewhere in the mid-West will blossom Googleville, a beta community. I, of course, will be among the first in line to apply for residence. Landscaping be damned, we’ll all be in our lovely Googlehomes, sitting in front of our GoogleMachines computers with broadband access via our Google ISP, 24 hours a day. Blooging this, gmailing that, searching for even more entertainment. 

Once a week I’ll trek down to GoogleMart for my supplies, maintaining my net connection with my Googleberry device. On the way back I’ll stop to fill the tank of my Googlemobile, then it’s back home to surf some more.

Ah, could my future be any brighter?

(First published on my blog in April of 2004)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

America Incorporated

My fellow Americans, today I am privileged to accept the role of CEO of America Incorporated.

As you may remember, we replaced the outdated system of government we had labored under for too many years in 2012 with the election of a business man rather than continuing to allow lawyers to run our nation. The Supreme Court helped pave the way by declaring corporations to be individuals which made it possible for large businesses and wealthy individuals to exert an influence in the political realm denied to them previously. They were able to convince the American people that our country would be far better off being run as a company rather than to allow political parties to set the course for our future.

 Once we incorporated the nation we found many of our most basic problems were solved.

 The economy became a much easier to understand system of profit/loss statements. When we closed the Internal Revenue Service and replaced it with a system of payroll withholdings from America's employees, formerly referred to as citizens, contributions to the bottom line increased and tax evasion was virtually eliminated. Every employee contributed their fair share based solely on their earnings which removed the inequity inherent under the taxation policy.

 Social inequality was eliminated as well when we declared all Americans were employees. This was a concept we could all easily grasp. No longer did we have the poor, the middle class and an upper class, groups with poorly defined boundaries. A system with owners, managers and workers was one we were familiar with and had clearly defined job descriptions. The ability to move from the workforce to management is possible based on an employee's contributions and knowledge. No one is forced to remain in the same position in society their parents held. And by declaring all former citizens as employees we have done away with the concept of unemployment. Everyone legally living in America Incorporated is an employee, and every employee has a job. Anyone who refuses to work is fired and asked to leave the organization, a fair and equitable situation.

We have further increased social equality by doing away with entitlements and the unprofitable practice of private ownership. In America Incorporated all assets are owned by the company and employees earn the right to use them. An employee's lifestyle is commensurate with their willingness to work. The more you contribute to the company the more the company rewards your efforts. 

By running America as a business we've been able to eliminate all political governments. We no longer have to deal with multiple levels of bureaucracy, no longer have to put up with petty dictators more concerned with preserving their positions of power than helping our society move forward. By treating the former states as franchise partners, we have established central policies and administration that apply to every employee where ever they may live. It's true that several former states chose not to franchise themselves with America Incorporated, and it's their own fault that they were quickly purchased by foreign entities that could better afford to run them as businesses. Seeing as how we enjoy full trade relations with the Chinese owners of Idaho and both North and South Montana as well as Spanish California, our bottom line has only been strengthened by the loss of those territories. We have more assets to share among our remaining employees and more buyers for our manufactured goods.

The return on your investment in America Incorporated has been improved by replacing politicians with proven industry leaders. Our CFO has had over 30 years experience managing the finances of major Fortune 500 companies. Our CIO has held senior positions in information technology and public communications. The head of our Human Relations department has spent her entire working life in that field and has shown herself to be a capable manager. Employees deal directly with her staff, whether they need to set up their medical benefits or ask for a change in their schedule. No longer do people have to deal with their company, then their city government, then their state government and finally the federal government. All that bureaucracy has been streamlined by establishing America Incorporated as the only company we all work for. 

Remember, you're not just employees of America Incorporated, you're also shareholders. Rather than paying dividends management reinvests profits to provide a higher return which is reinvested in the company. This allows us to provide our employees with the best available benefits and to preserve and improve our infrastructure. 

Like any company that wishes to maximize profits and minimize loss, our employees are monitored to ensure compliance with corporate policies. This is done through a variety of methods, including CCTV and drone aircraft, as well as random monitoring of electronic communications. We do this to ensure all employees are working for the common good of America Incorporated and not abusing their positions of responsibility for personal gain. Employees found to be in violation of corporate policy will be counselled and if necessary, their employment will be terminated. 

We have every confidence that America Incorporated will be proven to be a far superior form of governance than our previous experiment with a democratic republic. During my ten-year term as CEO I will do all I can to ensure maximum profitability for the corporation. I will do everything possible to ensure the profits are shared fairly among all employees in proportion to their commitment to the corporation. 

I thank you all for your attention to this broadcast. You may now return to your regular duties. May God show his favor with our efforts.